Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I need to sanitize my soul.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
