Where did you get a picture of my penis
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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