he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
