Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
