I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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