...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
