call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
