I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
