There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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