Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
