hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Randomize
