Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
