How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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