yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
