God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
