remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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