she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
