Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
