Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
