new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
