You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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