when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
