I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
