mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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