It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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