whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
