dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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