so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
