she looked like the before picture.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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