shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize