Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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