oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
