I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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