Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
