Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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