I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
