She said her name was "party"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
