Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
