the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
