In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
