omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize