textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
