I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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