I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
