I can't breathe out the right side of my face
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
