I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Cover your peen. We're going out.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
