Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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