hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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