It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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