I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
