Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
