Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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