i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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