I accidentally had phone sex last night
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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