There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
