note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
