I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
