Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
