I got chris browned last night
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
