note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
