i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
