I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
